The reviews for “How to Get Fired!” keep coming in with the most recent coming from AOL.  Geoff Roth, a former TV news manager and current Hofstra University journalism professor, reviewed Jeff’s newest book, which instantly skyrocketed to the first page of AOL Jobs Wednesday.  As Geoff put it, “How to Get Fired!” is a great book to read if you are just getting started in the grownup world or a great present to give a college student or recent grad to help set them on the right path.”  Click here to read the full review at AOL.

Also, Jeff has become a regular guest on the Fox Business show “The Willis Report.”  His unique twist on business development mixed with humor has lead the Fox Network to recognize Jeff’s value to their shows.  Currently you can view Jeff’s first two guest spots on his press page with more appearances scheduled in the near future.

Perhaps one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century, right behind the flush toilet, is the telephone. And one of the greatest inventions designed to negate any usefulness the telephone might once have had in connecting you in any meaningful way to a business is the automated menu. I will assume that you have had the pleasure of interfacing with one of these menus. Here’s an example we’ve all grown to hate:

“Thank you for calling the law offices Loathe, Sickman, Snidely, Lipschitz, and Gross. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. (Note to audience: NO THEY FREAKING HAVEN’T! YOUR MENU OPTIONS HAVEN’T CHANGED EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!! STOP LYING, AUTOMATED MENU!!!!) If you are calling regarding pending litigation, press 1. If you are calling on a previous litigation, press 2. If you are calling to begin the litigation process, press 3. If you would like to leave a voicemail for Daniel Loathe, press 4. If you would like to leave a voicemail for Jerry Sickman, press 5. If you would like to leave a voicemail for Kathleen Snidely, press 6. If you would like to leave a voicemail for Stanley Lipschitz, press 7. If you would like to leave a voicemail for Randolph Gross, press 8. Para escuchar este menu en Espanol, o prima nueve. To hear these options again, press star.”

Well, that certainly was a waste of time, wasn’t it? Right about the time the pleasant female voice says ‘thank you for calling’ I zone out and begin to drool uncontrollably, don’t you? Notice at no point is there an option to actually speak to a living, breathing person.

And this is just the first menu. Had you pressed 1, you’d be taken to another menu asking you about your personal information, then another menu about the details of the litigation. You’d better have your case number, or you’ll be starting from scratch.

Then, if you did manage to make it through the tangled, incoherent web of numbers and worthless platitudes like “we appreciate your business”, you’d be asked to hold while a representative from the law office notices a call in queue, stretches, gets another cup of coffee, boots up her computer, puts on her headset, mentally prepares herself for the inevitable litany of curses she’ll hear when she takes the call, and then sighs in relief when you disconnect your call in a frothing, inhuman frenzy.

Everyone hates the automated menu. Nobody’s ever said, “Thank God I didn’t have to deal with the trauma of speaking to an actual person. And this menu anticipated my needs with remarkable accuracy!” Because you and I both know that the automated menu is not there to assist us. It is there to make the company feel like it is providing a service without actually providing a service.
—–
Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author. Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “Uncrapify Your Life” can help your organization improve their customer service

That’s right, my boorish partisan, keep your hands to yourself and don’t make extended eye contact. Today I bring to you everything you need to know about sexual harassment, ever. Many companies will provide mandatory sexual harassment seminars, some of which last for hours. This is patently absurd, since there is only one rule regarding sexual harassment:

If you have to ask if it is OK, the answer is NO.

That’s it. End of story.

“But what I just…” No.

“Suppose I accidentally grazed…” NO.

“But sometimes you just can’t resist…” For the love of God, people – NO NO NO!

Not so fast, people! Just one more thing I’d like to share with you- Equal Rights Advocates defines sexual harassment as “unwelcome verbal, visual, or physical conduct of a sexual nature that is severe or pervasive and affects working conditions or creates a hostile work environment.” So, as long as it is welcome, not pervasive, low-key, and doesn’t affect the ability of the person you are interested in to get their work done, and doesn’t make them feel gross when they clock in every day…you still have a shot!

But probably not.

Spring simply wouldn’t be complete without a trip to Boston, MA. I will be there April 29th to share How to Get Fired! with the students and faculty of Boston College. I love Boston – or rather, am amused by it. I’m amused by any city that was designed around the horse. What do I mean by that? I mean that there isn’t a straight street in that entire city, or on pretty much any city on the East Coast. And by ‘amused,’ I mean ‘really, really angry while driving.’ My GPS just laughs at me when I ask it to take me somewhere. Oh well. At least it’s lost, too.
—–
Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author. Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “How To Get Fired!” can help improve the transition for your new employees into your organization.

I will be perfectly honest. Gossip drives the workplace.

Even if you don’t actively participate in it, it is all around you. It flows through you, like the Force. It keeps people moving- alert- waiting for the next tacky, scandalous shoe to drop. You might even be lazily drawn to the heady aroma of juicy chatter, like a lion to the carcass of a gazelle. Why else would you show up to work other than to get your daily dose of schadenfreude in the break room or designated smoking area? Your meager paycheck? Let’s not be insulting.

But this isn’t 1974. People just don’t sit around water coolers and steno pools anymore. Your wide brown-and-gold paisley tie is merely a sad echo of a long dead time. This is modern day, friend, and people are gossiping about you at break-neck speed with the latest online technology.

As I have mentioned in my best-selling book How to Get Fired!, gossiping is an excellent way to be escorted from the company premises. But with the advent of modern technology, it is an even more spectacularly awesome and drama-riffic way to be escorted from the company premises.

Although all of the examples of gossip going wrong via social media are too numerous to list here, I highly suggest you simply Google ‘fired by Facebook’ or ‘fired by Twitter’ next time you get a chance. Here are some of my personal favorites for those of you who are too lazy to feel lucky:

• http://ciscofatty.com/
• http://www.nbcsandiego.com/around-town/archive/Fired-Over-Facebook-Status.html
• http://mashable.com/2009/08/10/social-media-misuse/

The cardinal rule in this data-heavy age where social networking and office politics intermingle is this, ladies and gentlemen: Nothing on the Internet is private. Nothing. Just because nobody ever comments on your Livejournal rants doesn’t mean that someone, anyone….especially your employer doesn’t know about it. It is a window into your social life, and just because you can look out doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be looking in. Every comment, photo, and opinion you post online could have your employment hanging on it.

But don’t let that scare you away from posting an update…I’d love to have something to talk about at the office tomorrow.
—–
Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author. Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “Uncrapify Your Life” can help your organization improve their customer service.

I plan to bring the magic and message of How to Get Fired! to George Mason University in Fairfax, VA on April 28th. Yay! After failing to win the NCAA tournament this year, I imagine many despondent George Masonites will attend my lecture. And I shall not disappoint them.
—–
Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author. Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “How To Get Fired!” can help improve the transition for your new employees into your organization.

On April 24th I will be in Bloomington, IL to present Uncrapify Your Life! to Progressive Impressions International. This is where I grew up, people, where all the magic began.

At some point in your middle-management career, you’ll be given the arduous task of keeping up with how your team is performing. I won’t sugar-coat it; this is one of the most distasteful, time-intensive tasks that upper management can rain down upon you. Piles of data have to be compiled. There’s a deadline. Plus, you actually have to speak with and get to know your employees, which really cuts into your lunch hour.

Perhaps you were under the impression that you’d been raised far enough above the teeming masses of subordinates so that you wouldn’t actually have to communicate with them. You are on the fast track to upper management! You have a standing date to play golf with the Second VP three weeks from now, given his schedule, weather permitting. This type of work is beneath you- literally!

Well, why should it be your responsibility to do the grunt work? That’s what your staff is for, right?  Work smarter, not harder, my lazy protégés! This is an excellent opportunity to reach into your passive-aggressive, work-shirking toolbox and pull out the rusted, tetanus-encrusted monkey-wrench called the self-appraisal.

The self-appraisal is an amazing tool for all levels of management because it accomplishes several things all at once: a) you are no longer responsible for the work you’ve been assigned, b) the person upon which you are foisting the work is required to double their workload and provide you with accurate information about their performance. And for the average employee, there is nothing more difficult, more soul-crushing than having to answer the question, “How do you think you’re doing?”  We all know we’re not allowed to say “Awesome; no need for improvement; add me to the board of directors.”  That would be immodest.  So we’re forced to attempt some kind of self-deprecating pseudo-compliment that doesn’t sound too self-aggrandizing but also doesn’t give our bosses any justification to fire us.  Thanks, self-appraisal!

What’s the point?  The point is this:  when it comes to that horrible question, “How do you think you’re doing?” the answer is – no one really knows!

Sure, your subordinates may have some vague idea of success at work. For some of them, “at least I didn’t get fired today” is all they have left to strive for. Maybe some of them even feel the work they do on a daily basis is “good”. But how will they know what’s acceptable with no set standard to go by? That’s right- they won’t.

You get the extra-special added bonus of making your team go through the psychological anguish of describing why they are worthy of their positions, in painstaking detail, causing them to second-guess every action they’ve ever taken. And let’s be honest- there’s nothing quite like watching brows furrow, wrinkles form, and hair prematurely gray before your eyes as they make an attempt to be honest about the number of files they’ve completed last month.

Just keep sending out those reminder e-mails that appraisals are due at the end of the week. Oops, I meant COB Thursday. You’ll need time to staple everything together to give to your superiors before your three-hour lunch, won’t you? After all, middle-management isn’t as easy as it looks!

—–

Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author.  Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “Uncrapify Your Life” can help your organization improve their customer service.  http://jeffhavens.com/contact_jeffhavens.php

The weather will be just right to visit Wisconsin Dells, WI on April 20th. I will be presenting Uncrapify Your Life! for the Wisconsin Bankers Association. If you have never been to the Dells, you absolutely have to go. Wisconsin Dells has the best water parks in the country, bar none, and also more fudge shops, fireworks emporiums, and laser tag arenas per capita than any other place on Earth. But it is the water parks that make it worth it.
—–
Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author. Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “Unleash Your Inner Tyrant!” can help the leaders of your organization more effectively communicate with their employees.

On April 19 I will be at Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, IL promoting How to Get Fired!. I’ll be back in my home state, full of corn and soybeans and, you know, more corn and soybeans. I love corn, and I love soybeans. The soybean, incidentally, is one of the most amazing organisms on the planet. You can make pretty much anything out of soybeans – food, paper, ink, ice cream, suitcases, marbles, television sets, pajamas, windmills. I could go on.

—–

Jeff Havens is a professional speaker and author.  Contact us today to learn how Jeff’s presentation “How To Get Fired!” can help improve the transition for your new employees into your organization.