Hi all. That this article needs to be written makes me sad, but it’s the truth. I was in Wichita, Kansas recently, which you might be surprised to learn is the airplane manufacturing capital of the world. The Wichita airport would fit rather cozily into most suburban backyards, but Cessna, Lear, Airbus, and Boeing all have manufacturing facilities in the city.
But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing this thanks to the gentlemen who shared that information with me. We were sitting next to each other at a hotel bar, and they offered that aeronautical tidbit. And right after that they both took out their iPhones to take clandestine pictures of the pretty girl sitting on the opposite end of the bar.
Well, clandestine isn’t exactly the right word, since she figured it out pretty quickly and left soon after. And in honor of their unbelievably juvenile attempts at flirting (note to men everywhere: say hello first, then take unsolicited pictures), I thought I’d share a few tactics you can use around the office to make sure that you’re eventually forced to defend your actions in court.
Repeatedly Tell a Coworker How Attractive He/She Is!
By ‘repeatedly,’ I mean ‘every day.’ Once is a compliment. Once weekly is a (hopefully) harmless crush. Once daily is an uncomfortable fixation – especially if the object of your affection is not responding in kind. So please, try to pick someone who responds to your compliments with a false smile, forced laugh, and frequent sudden realizations that they need to go do something somewhere else.
Offer Unasked-For Chair Massages!
Oops! Used the wrong word again. ‘Offer’ implies that your advances are welcomed. Instead you should just go ahead and dive in. “Wow!” you’ll probably say. “You sure are tense today!” Yeah they are. It’s because you’re touching them.
Follow Your Target to Work Every Morning So You Can Park Next to Him/Her!
I wish I were clever enough to make this one up. I really do.
So what are you waiting for? Give these a shot and see what happens. Amazingly, you would be less creepy if you left the object of your affection a folded note with the Yes/No/Maybe boxes we all made famous in 6th grade. That would probably work out better for you. At least that approach can be considered cute.