I know, I know – you’re wondering about the word ‘become’ in the title. You’re thinking, “People don’t become insufferable salespeople. Salespeople are inherently insufferable.” But that isn’t true. Truly awful salespeople are made, not born. And I’m about to teach you how to make yourself into the kind of salesperson that will make customers actually walk past your establishment instead of going in to get something they already know they want.
And before you ask – yes, every single one of these has been done to me. All of them. A lot.
Never Stop Talking! – Like most people, I need a little bit of time to think about what I’m interested in buying. I like to receive information, process it for a few moments quietly, and then come to a decision. So please, talk my ear off! Start the second I walk in, follow me around the store like a hungry animal, and constantly tell me about features I’ve already told you I don’t care about. Yours is an interesting approach; since you obviously know that what you’re selling is something no reasonable person would decide to purchase without massive encouragement, you’ve chosen your nonstop verbal barrage because you don’t think I’ll be rude enough to walk out on you mid-sentence. But oh, how wrong you are.
Complain About the Deal You’ve Just Agreed To! – I’m sure it’s not just car salesman that do this one, but they’re the ones I’m thinking about right now. Really, car salesman – are you really selling this to me for less than you paid? Am I really taking food off your children’s table? Well, I certainly don’t want to be responsible for your kids starving to death, so I guess I’ll just take my business elsewhere.
Try to Sell Me A Warranty On Things That Have No Business Requiring a Warranty! – Two instances come to mind here. A Best Buy clerk tried to sell me a 2-year warranty on a $20 land-line phone I purchased several years ago (note to Best Buy: if my cheap land-line phone breaks in 2 years, I’ll just have to buy another one!), and about eight months ago a salesperson attempted to sell me warranty insurance for my couch. I have yet to figure out what I could possibly do to my couch that would be covered under a normal warranty, but I am excited to figure it out.
So get out there, salespeople, and start making us shiver at the sight of you. For myself, I’m off to a buddy’s house right now. He just bought a new chaise lounge and got a top-notch warranty package with it. I’m bringing my chainsaw over, and he’s going to pepper it with semi-automatic bullets. Looks like somebody should do a little more research before they go and offer chaise lounge warranties to everyone who wants to buy a chaise lounge.