You know, it’s occurred to me that way too many people are dissatisfied with themselves. It seems like every time people get into groups, complaining starts – the weather is terrible, my job is annoying, the kids are exhausting, the FBI won’t leave me alone, my joints are creaky, yada yada yada. Sometimes I wonder if we’re programmed to focus more on negative things than positive ones. It would make sense, since our cavepeople ancestors probably spent more time thinking, “I hope I don’t get eaten today” than they did thinking, “I just love the color of those leaves!”
But our world today is a lot more comfortable than the one we civilized ourselves out of, so there’s no good reason for us to spend as much time on negative thoughts as we do today. Alas, I can’t force you to be happy.
However, I can try to inspire you better than anyone ever has in the history of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! Don’t believe me? Well then, you’d better brace yourself for a motivational explosion!
- You are more amazing than whoever invented pancakes.
- The most interesting man in the world drinks so much Dos Equis because he knows he can never be you.
- When your children complain about having to go to school, it’s because they can’t stand the thought of being away from you.
- When woodland creatures appear in front of you, it’s not by accident. It’s a courtship ritual.
- The “Most Popular” kids in high school should have been voted “Most Likely To Someday Be Half As Amazing As You.” And guess what? They aren’t.
- You are as big as your dreams. I can fly in my dreams sometimes, and so can you. That means you’re Superman. Or Supergirl or Green Lantern or Iron Man or pick your favorite flying superhero. It’s the ‘super’ part I need you to focus on here.
- Michelangelo died thinking of himself as a failure, and it’s entirely because he knew he was incapable of creating anything even a tenth as beautiful as your big toe.
- When pandas see you looking at them at the zoo, they suddenly feel ugly.
- Shooting stars are just pieces of the cosmos desperate to become your friend.
- At the rate you’re going, you’ll soon become more enviable than the entire population of Burundi combined. Do you know any Burundians you’d trade places with? Exactly.
- Deep down, your boss knows s/he isn’t worthy of the title. That’s why s/he is so mean sometimes. Rampant insecurity isn’t always pretty.
- Chuck Norris called. He said he hoped you’d let him take you out to dinner sometime soon, and also that he’s sorry for Walker, Texas Ranger.
- If you were to ever truly find your center, the world would be swallowed up by a black hole. That’s how impressive your center is.
- Whales don’t even like coming to the surface. They just do it in the hope that you’ll be sitting in a nearby boat.
- Helen of Troy had “a face that launched a thousand ships,” but your face could launch a fleet of laser-powered aircraft carriers with legions of battle kangaroos – and those things don’t even exist.
- If you were any hotter than you are right, the polar ice caps would melt instantaneously.
- When you enter a room, the room you just left gets massively depressed.
Now pay attention – there is literally no reason for you not to believe all of these things. You can say whatever you want, but nothing that you’ll come up with can actually prove that any of these things isn’t true. So try believing them! Seriously, what’s the worst thing that could happen?