Good morning, everyone! I know you’re not all reading this in the morning, but I’m writing it in the morning, and so I’m saying…wait a second. Hold on, no I’m not writing it in the morning. I planned to write it this morning, but it’s actually 1:30pm. How did that happen? Where did the morning go?
Oh yeah. I know where my morning went. It was wasted in another installment of a weeks-long process of trying to make somebody pay me who’s owed me money for over a month now. I guess my blinding rage caused me to black out for a few hours.
Anyway, in honor of their unbelievably infuriating stall tactics, I thought I’d give you a step-by-step process to ensure that your vendors want to do as little business with you as possible.
Step One: Have a pay-by date in your contracts that you consistently fail to meet! Most contracted services are structured such that payment occurs after the service has been rendered – 5 days, 7 days, 30 days, whatever. You probably have something like this in your contracts. But to borrow a line from Pirates of the Carribean, that date is really more of a guideline than a rule. It’s kind of like the speed limit. Yeah, you’re supposed go 65, but nobody listens to that. And there’s no reason you should honor the pay-by date on your contracts, either. Just because your service provider provided you the services on the date requested is no reason for you to, you know, pay them on time.
When your vendors first call to follow up on payment, promise that their check will be sent tomorrow! Sounds reasonable, right? Which is why you must fail to send their check. Otherwise the problem will be solved. And who wants that?
When your vendors call again (and again and again), just don’t respond! Nothing pleases those of us who are owed money quite like not getting a response of any kind from the people who owe us. Are you on vacation? Are you going out of business? Are you ever going to call me back? Who knows! It’s a fun mystery for all of us!
Get in the habit of paying people ONLY when they start to make threats! This cripplingly stupid approach punishes your reasonable customers and rewards your difficult ones. And you know what? Eventually your reasonable customers will catch on that they won’t get what they’re owed until they start yelling at you. So get ready for a fun barrage on your voicemail!
So there you go. I think there are a couple steps in there that I’ve forgotten, but to be honest I can’t remember. I think I got so angry that some of my brain melted.