First off, all articles should start that way. “Woo-hoo!” is a much better greeting than “Hello.” But in this case, my enthusiasm is well-earned. Because I just read an article that gave me a few awesome ideas. It turns out that a 2009 employee survey conducted by the Society for Human Resource Managers found that the top five factors that most closely correlate to employee satisfaction are: job security, benefits (especially health care), compensation, opportunities to use skills and abilities, and feeling safe in the work environment. Finally, I’ve got some concrete evidence!
So, are you ready to oppress those parasites who sit next to you every day? Then here we go!
Constantly tell your employees that you have no idea what the future holds! This has the benefit of being a technically true statement, since nobody knows what the future holds. But there’s a huge difference between saying, “No matter what happens, your job is safe here” and “I wouldn’t get too comfortable until we get the quarterly earnings back next month.” Don’t do that first one, idiot! Option 2 all the way!
Systematically eliminate benefits! I’m guessing you’re already working on this one. Way to go!
Squeeze your employees into areas outside of their expertise! This will help them learn valuable new skills. But more importantly, it will ensure that they slowly but inevitably forget why they took this job in the first place. “I’m a marketing and design guy; do I really want to be pigeonholed in customer service forever?” (Hint: the answer is ‘only until I find a better job’.)
Place caltrops and other death traps around the workplace! OK, so you’re probably not going to do this one. Most people don’t know what a caltrop is, and I have no idea where you can buy them. But you could at least postpone maintenance on your factory long enough that ceiling tiles occasionally crash to the ground with no provocation. “How long do fire extinguishers work? This one was put here in 1974. Well I guess we’ll find out whenever there’s a fire to try it on!”
I’m so excited that this article is coming to you just in time for the holidays. Because if there’s a better Christmas present than the sight of an entire office full of dejected and miserable employees, I don’t know what it is. Have fun!