All in all, I’d say 2013 was a great year, if for no other reason than because I ate a larger-than-average-for-me number of kiwis. I hope you have similarly fond remembrances of last year.
However, there are a few events in 2013 that I would not mind never experiencing again. So, in an effort to begin 2014 on the right foot, here is my list of 10 things that should disappear forever from the planet. Your list might differ from mine, but I’ll bet you agree with at least 8 of these.
1) Naming Winter Storms – It’s snow, people. It’s just freaking snow. It’s not “WINTER STORM JULIO – LOCK YOUR DOORS AND BREAK UP THE FURNITURE FOR FIREWOOD, FOR WINTER STORM JULIO APPROACHETH!!!!!” I don’t mind naming hurricanes and other true disasters, but if they’re going to name winter storms then I’m afraid soon we’ll get things like “Pleasant Day Michael – Will it be too pleasant outside?!?!?!”
2) Even Thinking About Letting People Talk on Their Phones on Airplanes – I’m fairly certain this is a proposal dreamed up by the noise-cancelling headphone lobby, since there’s absolutely nobody else who thinks this is a good idea. Short of white-water rafting in a canyon in Utah, the couple hours you’re in an airplane is seriously the only time you get a break from constant distraction.
3) Lima Beans – I hate them. They’re disgusting. I’m not even sure they’re food. I think they’re just really soft rocks. Just because it doesn’t kill you doesn’t mean that it should be eaten.
4) Gifs – It’s the visual equivalent of a CD skipping. I remember when my CDs used to skip, and that’s about the time when I would put them in the microwave to electrocute them. If we see too many more gifs, someday I know I’m going to think my computer’s skipping and do the same thing to it.
5) The Idea That Compromise Equals Defeat – For anyone who thinks that compromising compromises your integrity, I’d love to talk to your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. I’m sure they just love listening to you demand that they do whatever you say without question.
6) 50 Miles of Traffic Cones When 2 Miles Would Do – This one’s been happening forever, and it’s high time we put an end to it. If you’re not going to work on a stretch of road for another couple weeks, why block it off? That’s the construction equivalent of going to the gym and shouting at anyone who uses any of the machines because you were planning on using it in 30 minutes.
7) Speedos for Men – Except maybe for professional swimmers. Otherwise, the male upper thigh is the single least attractive part of the human body. There’s a reason Europe is in a recession right now, and I’m pretty sure the man-speedo is largely to blame.
8) Dumping All Your Excess Holiday Candy in the Office Breakroom – Stop making me so fat with your delicious chocolate extras! How am I supposed to stick to my new diet with 45 metric tons of sugar sitting RIGHT THERE?!?!?!
9) Breaking Up With Someone Via Text – You should do it the old-fashioned way: by simply never ever talking to them again. Eventually they’ll get the hint.
10) Save-the-Date Cards – First we had invitations. Then we got invitations to let people know the invitations were coming. Soon we’ll have invitations for that. And then it’ll be something like, “Just block off summer 2016 for me, OK? Pretty sure I’m going to meet my future wife in spring 2015, and I want you to have a heads-up.”
And that should do it? Anything I missed? Feel free to share! But more importantly, have a great and wonderful year!