You know, sometimes it’s worth going back through old files to see what you once created that you have since completely forgotten about. Several years ago my brother was trying to sell his wife’s car, and he wanted some help making the ad creative enough to get some attention. So I helped him out, then forgot all about it – then found this a week ago. Now I give it to you and submit it to the world as the best used car ad ever written. Is that arrogant to say? Not at all, and I will stand by my opinion until somebody shows me a better one. If you’re trying to sell a car right now, feel free to steal some of this. My brother sold this car in less than a week. Enjoy!
BRAND NEW 2005 MINI COOPER!!!!
If you’ve ever wanted to be British, this is the car for you. This is the car James Bond would be driving if he weren’t such a pansy. This car is silver, the color of bullets, with black racing stripes. You heard me right – black racing stripes. RACING STRIPES MAKE CARS GO FASTER!!!! Use the automatic shift for all your ordinary trips to the grocery store, then kick it into manual shift mode for your evenings embarrassing every Fast and Furious wannabe in your neighborhood. This car has power everything – power steering, power locks, smokescreen, oil slicks, power missile silos built into the power headlights, AND A POWER PERISCOPE FOR AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULTS!!! And what could make your amphibious assault more enjoyable than rocking out to your favorite songs on this Mini Cooper’s VERY OWN CD PLAYER!!! Not to mention the upgraded run-flat tires, which will give you extra traction during mountainside chase sequences. And you’ll be entitled to drive on the left side of any road WITHOUT GETTING A TICKET!!! Seriously, I talked myself out of one once for doing that very thing – IT WAS AWESOME!!!
AND WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED!!!! Tired of the movie extra sitting next to you? No problem. Just open your enormous sunroof and eject them down the cliffside. And did I mention the spoiler? What a one-two punch – a spoiler AND BLACK RACING STRIPES!!! All this, and still under warranty, which you won’t need by the way, because this car is indestructible. I once ran this car directly into a freight train, and the train ACTUALLY VANISHED! That’s the kind of power this car can generate. You know what this car uses instead of motor oil? THE BLOOD OF CHUCK NORRIS! YOU HEARD ME – CHUCK NORRIS IS DEAD BECAUSE THIS MINI COOPER DEVOURED HIM ONE PINT OF BLOOD AT A TIME!!!!
Not only that, this car will actually MAKE YOU MORE ENGLISH! That’s right, the moment you step into this car you will have Daniel Craig’s eyes, Elizabeth Hurley’s legs, David Beckham’s knees, Tony Blair’s vocabulary, Winston Churchill’s ability to consume alcohol, and Austin Powers’s sexual success – AND CHEST HAIR!!! One week after purchasing this car you will find yourself in possession of a charming flat in Bedfordshire, with your own personal lift and lorry. Owning this Mini Cooper also entitles you to use ALTERNATE SPELLINGS OF ORDINARY WORDS!!!! Watch your friends seethe in jealously as the rest of the world admires your intelligence for writing ‘colour’ and ‘centre’ on pieces of parchment. You heard me right, people – PIECES OF PARCHMENT!!!
Perhaps you’re wondering why I’m calling a 2005 car ‘brand new.’ Well you shouldn’t be. I bought this car for my wife, God bless her, because she begged for it, because it’s so freaking adorable it actually shoots Labrador puppies out of the tailpipe. But guess what? SHE NEVER DRIVES IT!!! Seriously, it’s got 18,000 miles on it. I’ve put more miles on my tennis shoes in the past three years than she’s put on this car. And now, despite the fact that it’s entirely paid off, SHE WANTS A DIFFERENT CAR!!! Isn’t that precious? I tell you what, I love her to death, and someday those words might be literal, but until then, DO I HAVE THE CAR FOR YOU!!!!
If you do not think this is the most amazing car on the planet, then you have no heart. There is an emptiness where your feelings should be, and I weep for you and the sad children you will someday bear.