Welcome back! By now you should be settled back into your normal working routine. The holidays are over, it’s a brand new year, and there are things that need to get done.
Or do they?
Fortunately for you, I know how to help you avoid the persistent, nagging problem of your ambition. From time immemorial, people have been using these excuses to avoid giving 110% – or 100%, or 80%, or any percent at all. Want to follow in the footsteps of people you’ve never heard of because they never did enough work to make a name for themselves? Then here you go!
Focus on the fact that it’s almost the holidays! I know we just got done with Christmas, but that’s no reason for you to stop using this one as an excuse for not doing work. Valentine’s Day is coming up, you know, and then St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. Then Earth Day, May Day, my birthday, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then we’re right back to Christmas! Do it right and you should never have to work hard another day in your life!
Claim a vague, energy-draining illness! Several people in your office will probably be felled by the flu for a few days this season, and if you’re lucky you’ll be one of them. Sickness happens to all of us from time to time. But if it manages to pass you by, you can always pretend that you got it. Or better yet, just say that you’re feeling vaguely under the weather. It happens to the best of us, but generally not three times a month, which should be your minimum target. Extra points for bringing back an obscure ailment like rickets or the ague! I don’t actually know what the ague is, but I’m pretty sure it means you can go home early.
Consistently show up late because you had to spend 15 minutes scraping ice off your car windshield! OK, so maybe this one isn’t ‘from time immemorial’, since I’m pretty sure nobody ever got to say they were late because they needed to scrape off their horse. Nevertheless, by this point you should know when you’ll need to attend to your car in the morning, but you should make no attempt to remember that you parked your car outside and that it occasionally rains or snows in winter. And if you can also forget to buy yourself a windshield scraper, you can push that 15 minutes to 40 or 50.
So there you go. I know you don’t want to distinguish yourself as a top performer, and now you have the tools to make sure you never do. I hope this is the only thing you read in its entirety all week. Otherwise I’m going to have to start worrying about you. Please don’t make me have to worry about you. I’m not sure I’m up to it. President’s Day is right around the corner, and I thinking I’m getting a touch of the plague…
Image from Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29853404@N03/4579520419/