OK, so you’re about to start reading a bunch of articles that are going to try to put 2015 into perspective and then make reasonable predictions about what’s going to happen next year. I’m perfectly happy to let others tell you what to expect for the upcoming year. What I want to do is tell you what we should all be lucky enough to see. My mom always told me to dream big, and I’ve finally decided that she was right.
So here you go – twelve very extremely unlikely things that I desperately hope happen next year.
We discover life on Mars, and that life looks a lot like possums. They live underground, and they communicate non-verbally through an elaborate ritual involving eye gouging and ping-pong tournaments. Scientists are simultaneously elated about the finding and concerned that our Martian Possum-People neighbors will someday learn that we occasionally run over their cousins with our cars on dark country roads.
Teleportation gets invented, which means I never have to get on another plane again. Please make this one come true!!!!
The Easter Bunny is discovered to be living alone on a small island west of Bali. She is initially media-shy but soon warms up to the attention, and eventually she and her children are featured in the hit reality show Bunny’s Bunnies. She tries telling people that bunnies don’t actually lay eggs, but nobody listens.
In a desperate effort to keep me from moving back to Michigan, Texas begins formal proceedings to secede from the United States specifically to deny me a travel passport. They change their minds, though, when the rest of the country seems just a little too excited about the idea.
The banjo is made the official instrument of the United States. Hipsters everywhere rejoice, even though most of them don’t know how to play one.
Scientists make the first dinosaur. His name is Carl, and he likes raisins. It is believed that the scientists did some of their math wrong.
The hottest July on record. In an effort to alleviate the discomfort, the government declares nudity socially acceptable. Once that’s recognized as a cripplingly bad idea, they decide instead to cover the polar ice caps with flavored syrup in order to create two gigantic snowcones. This could very well be the best idea in the history of humanity.
My 2nd wedding anniversary. My wife takes me on a romantic sleigh ride and tickets to an MMA fight, where I am apparently a registered fighter. I ask her politely to next time tell me so that I can properly prepare, but she says she wanted it to be a surprise. Just as I’m about to get the crap beaten out of me, I wake up and realize that it was all just a dream and that I should probably drink less caffeine. I should also maybe think about getting her something for our anniversary.
The IPO of the most successful start-up in the history of start-ups, Complimenterrific, an Uber-styled app that allows people to find nearby strangers to offer them impromptu compliments. Complimenterrific has so far made no money and has no plans for figuring out how to do so, but this amazingly doesn’t seem to bother investors even slightly.
Modern art is finally declared to be ‘really, really weird.’ This pleases some people and irritates others, which sparks an endless debate about what is and isn’t art. So basically what I’m saying is that nothing really changes.
I am elected president. I am deeply humbled by the honor, and I promise to eliminate taxes and give everyone some candy corn.
In an amazing return to a simpler time, nobody asks for anything technological for Christmas. Instead, children receive wooden soldiers and pogo sticks, which end up being a really terrible present for anyone living where it’s icy. In other news, the flu is eradicated, and Godzilla destroys San Francisco.
With any luck, at least one of these things will come true. Have a wild, crazy, imaginative, and unexpected 2016!