Hello, everyone!!!!!!! You’ll notice an absurd number of exclamation points to start off this week’s blog. That’s because I’m trying to trick myself into being excited today. Right now I’m so tired that I’m not entirely certain I’m writing this in English. After an evening presentation of Uncrapify Your Life! in Las Vegas, I have taken an overnight flight to Atlanta and then another flight to Wichita, Kansas (because Nevada/Georgia/Kansas makes SO MUCH SENSE!) in order to drive 90 minutes to Lyons, Kansas for a repeat performance there. Right now I’m in the Atlanta airport. I think I remember my name, but I’m totally not ready for a quiz right now.
And, in honor of all the other weary travelers among you, I’ve decided today to dedicate this blog to various strategies for staying awake. All of us occasionally get too little sleep and have to pretend like we’re firing on all cylinders when in fact we are barely capable of sitting up straight. So here’s to you, exhausted people!
Throw Back a Shot of Whiskey in the Morning! Most people try to drown themselves in coffee, but eventually your body becomes accustomed to the caffeine. But NOTHING can properly prepare your 8am self for a blast of the caustic engine cleaner better known as whiskey. And the cheaper the better! Do it right, and you can use the leftover whiskey to remove all that pesky wallpaper still hanging in your house.
Listen to the Worst Song You Can Think Of AT TOP VOLUME! Lots of us have tried to power through a long road trip by opening the windows and singing at the top of our lungs. But how often do you do it to a song that you can’t stand? Those are always the songs that stick in our heads the longest, and the anger that song should generate for its very existence should keep your blood up long enough to make it through your next presentation.
Run On the Treadmill at a Speed You Can’t Possibly Hope to Maintain! Exercising to stay awake always works for a little while. But the threat of death is an even better pick-me-up. So kick that treadmill up to 12mph and then run for your life! One wrong step will send you flying into the back wall, a thought which should be painful enough to shake you out of your stupor. And if you do end up making that wrong step and flying into the back wall…well, that ought to wake you up too!
So there you go. Good luck today! As for myself, this is Kyle Fleegman saying…wait a second, that’s not my name. I don’t even know a Kyle. This is…hold on, I’ll get it. Give me a second. Any second now I’m gonna ‘member who I am. I’m gonna…gonna…gunna…