Welcome to the week of Thanksgiving, where we take a break and give thanks for all the truly important things in our lives – flush toilets, the Internet, and wallabies (they’re so freaking cute, and I’m thankful that they exist).However, some of us are currently thankful that we get a four-day reprieve from our colleagues. It’s possible that right now, your coworkers are weeping with joy at the thought of not having to be around you for a little while. At least I hope so.But we could all do a little better at making ourselves odious and intolerable. So today, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I offer you a few simple tricks to ensure that your family, friends, coworkers, and random passersby give thanks for your temporary absence from their lives.
Double-Park! You probably wouldn’t have thought of this one, but it’s a pretty awesome tactic if you work at a company where finding a decent parking spot is occasionally difficult. Does your 2006 minivan really need the protection that an extra parking space will afford you? No. But that shouldn’t matter. The best of you will take up four parking spots at once – one per wheel. Or even better, start driving to work in a stretch limousine, or maybe a giant RV. And make sure you have a vanity plate so that everyone eventually knows whose car they hate!
Complain Repeatedly About Having to Wait in Line at the Company Cafeteria! Will complaining loudly do anything to speed the line up? Absolutely not. But it will definitely make the wait seem longer for everyone who has to listen to you, so that’s something to be proud of.
Deliver Bad News Immediately Before the Holiday! As they say in comedy, timing is everything. And honestly, do you want your colleagues to enjoy their holiday surrounded by family and friends? Or do you want them to drift listlessly through their vacation because you’ve surprised them with some unexpected piece of depression they can’t do anything about until they get back to work on Monday anyway? I think we all know the answer to that.
So there you go. There are a million things you could do here, but this will get you started. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go catch a wallaby. I will then train him to sit on my shoulder and shout at pedestrians like an angry yet adorable parrot. You should see me on The Today Show pretty soon.