Get my awesome articles and videos delivered to your inbox!

Why New Year’s Resolutions Are Dumb and What To Do Instead!


by Jeff Havens November 25th, 2013


It’s coming.  Thanksgiving weekend is officially upon us.  You’ve got a few glorious days of gluttony left, and then people are going to start asking what your New Year’s resolutions are.  Don’t get mad at them, though; they’re only asking because somebody asked them.  Soon, all across the country, people are going to pretend to be interested in “losing weight” and “exercising more” and “not getting arrested” and all kinds of crazy boring things.  Plus, most of us aren’t going to fulfill our resolutions anyway.  Case in point – I’d bet anything I get arrested by March.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they’re typically endless and slightly depressing.  Losing weight and exercising more, for example, are huge shifts in lifestyle, and lifestyle changes are harder to realize.  But what are you supposed to do?  That stupid question is coming!

Fear not.  Instead of one giant, probably-not-gonna-happen resolution, I think you should pick 10 small, positive, easily-achievable goals to strive for throughout the year – 10 Awesome Things To Do Before 2015.  I’ll give you my list so you can see how much more fun this will be than “travel more”.

10 Awesome Things I Want To Do Before 2015

(in absolutely no order, for I shall do all of these)

1) Go to a bar and order either “a beer” or “the usual” – This happens in movies all the time, and it’s time that it happened to me.  It might require me to go to a bar that only serves one kind of beer, but that would be fun all by itself.  Or terrifying.  Either way, it’ll be a good story.

2) Tell a complete stranger that he/she looks really nice today – As long as I don’t drool on myself or lick my lips while I say this, I’m pretty sure it will make the random stranger happy.  And I’m tired of standing on elevators next to people and pretending that they don’t exist, staring at the door like we expect it to do something.

3) Get married in Hawaii – That will happen this August, and I see no reason not to include things on this list just because they’re already planned and therefore inevitable.  Sometimes it’s good to celebrate the awesome things that we know are coming.  One down, 11 to go!

4) Wear an animal costume in public nowhere close to Halloween – Just wait.  You’ll see the picture on Facebook soon.  Fluffy bunny, or happy dog, or noble cow man – so many options!

5) Leave a 100% tip at least once – I waited tables for 7 years, and so I know how few and far between those moments of excessive kindness are.  And none of the waiters you’ve ever had are living lavish lives.  I’m just going to try to pick one that I don’t think will spend it on drugs.  I think I’ve got a 70-75% chance of success there.

6) Stick my tongue on a frozen icepole – I’ve been scared of doing that since I was a kid, and it’s time to conquer my stupid, useless fear.  That said, I will have a person with me with a warm glass of water to save me when I get stuck.  It shall be a trusted friend, and I shall repay their kindness with hot chocolate and maybe a hug.

7)Buy a piece of art I absolutely do not need – Every so often it’s nice to get something without worrying about its ROI.  In my case, I’m hoping for “weird metal lawn sculpture” or “stuffed llama statue” or something along those lines.  But I’ll be fine with a picture, too.

8) Buy a child’s toy and play with it outdoors – Right now I’m torn between ‘big wheel’ and ‘pogo stick,’ so I’m leaving this one open for now.  Alternatively, I haven’t totally ruled out “borrowing” some child’s big wheel who was dumb enough to leave it outside in their front yard.  How else will children learn about the importance of taking care of their things?

9) Buy a lump of pure sodium and throw it in a lake – It will explode.  Enough said.

10) Get 10 other people to do this list with me – The whole point of my business is to try and make people happy, and I think this is a whole lot happier than a typical New Year’s resolution.  Who’s with me?

What’s one fun thing you want to do before 2015?


Tags: ,