Earlier this summer my family and I went to the beach. It’s one we try to go to every year, because it has a swimming platform about a hundred feet offshore that the kids love to swim to and jump off of. As we were driving there, both of my kids were super excited; they’d been waiting for this for forever!!!!! Our son in particular, as he had set a goal for himself of being able to do a flip into the water by the end of the summer, and this platform would be the perfect practice ground, possibly the beginning of his career as a world-renowned cliff diver.
So naturally when we arrived, the platform wasn’t there.
Immediately my son got annoyed – and immediately after that, my wife started trying to help him see things differently. It’s still the same beach, it’s a beautiful day, we’ll have plenty of fun, etc. None of it worked, and my son was now not only irritated about the platform but also starting to get mad at his mother, who was primed to start getting mad at him for getting mad at her when all she was trying to do was help, and why couldn’t he enjoy himself without that stupid platform anyway? Our beautiful day at the beach was off to a rather ugly start.
But I saved it. Did I magically produce a swimming platform from my pocket? No. Did I scour the Internet for other beaches nearby that might maybe have a swimming platform? No again. Did I find the perfect sentence to frame our experience in a way that deeply resonated with our frustrated son? Definitely no.
Instead, I turned to my wife and said, “Just give him a minute. Let him be annoyed.”
To her credit, she listened to me. And five minutes later, both of my kids were quite happily playing at the beach.
When someone we care about is upset or feeling ‘off’ for any reason, most of us want to try and help them feel better. But sometimes we do so before they’ve had a chance to let their feelings run their own natural course. I know that for myself, when I’m angry or annoyed or depressed or emotionally exhausted, the last thing I want is for somebody to tell me that I really shouldn’t be feeling the way that I feel. I’m guessing that’s why my son was so quick to snap at his mother when she tried to redirect him – he was going to be annoyed no matter what, so the only question was at what.
So the next time someone you care about is feeling imperfect, consider giving them a chance to feel that way for a while. It might not feel like you’re doing anything useful, but it also could be exactly what they need.
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