Hello, eager readers, and happy merry holidaytime. In honor of the upcoming new year, many of us will make resolutions to lose weight and go to the gym and spend more time with our families and all kinds of other crap that we won’t actually bother with. So I’ve come up with a collection of New Year’s resolutions that any aspiring tyrant can rally behind.
Repeat after me. Do this out loud, please, and in company.
I resolve to give myself a larger bonus next year, which I will fund by getting rid of my company’s 401K matching policy.
I resolve to drink the last cup of breakroom coffee at 9:14am and not brew another pot because I know I won’t need another cup.
I resolve not to answer my cell phone unless the person calling outranks me.
I resolve to be at least 15 minutes late to every meeting that I schedule, and to leave 15 minutes early from every meeting that I’m forced to attend.
I resolve to ISSUE ORDERS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS SO THAT PEOPLE APPRECIATE HOW IMPORTANT MY REQUESTS ARE!
I resolve to tell everyone how amazing my latest vacation was, and to showcase pictures of all of my new purchases.
And last, at least for today, I resolve to pay less attention to my personal hygiene and stand closer to people while talking to them. It’s a new year. I deserve this.
Happy merry holidaytime, everyone!