So it’s summer, which means that everywhere you look people are doing things outdoors that they should really only ever do indoors and behind some blackout curtains so nobody can see what they’re doing. I saw a woman running last week wearing tennis shoes and the most neon green bikini I’ve ever seen. It wouldn’t even have been a good look on a jogger who could really pull off the neon green bikini – but of course you already know that the person I’m talking about had no business wearing a neon green bikini. And just yesterday I saw someone riding their bike with no hands while texting with both hands, which isn’t such a big deal on a stationary bike at the gym but becomes a little more life-threatening when you’re sharing the road with thousands of other motorists who are also probably texting while they drive.
The point is, people just don’t know how to act. They do silly, crazy, ridiculous things all the time, and it is for this reason that I continue to have a job. Keep up the good work, folks!
But I can’t rely on the assumption that people will continue to make bad decisions all by themselves. True idiocy is a skill, and like other skills it needs to be practiced and nurtured in order to blossom into its fullest and most idiotic potential. So now, inspired by the texting cyclist who I’m assuming is currently in the hospital after wandering accidentally into a telephone pole, I’ve compiled a short list of ways you can use the various technologies at your disposal to become the world-class idiot I know you’re capable of.
Attempt to Continue Your Phone Call In a Crowded Elevator!
Elevators were invented way before cell phones, which is why cell phones never work in elevators. But yours probably will! So jump on with half a dozen politely silent people and see if you can make it to the 5th floor before your signal cuts out. I’d bet anything that you won’t, and then we can all enjoy this: “So I was thinking we should get together…are you there?…no I can’t hear you…hold on I’m in an elevator…I’M IN AN ELEVATOR…I’ll be off s-…no I’ll call you back…are you there?…hello?”
Never Listen to Your Messages!
Thanks to the ubiquity of texting, the only really good reason to leave messages for anyone anymore is to tell them something they can’t say in a text. It’s usually something semi-important that they don’t want to forget or that they need a quick response on. Which is why you should delete your messages as soon as you see the number! That way you can save yourself the 43 seconds it would take to listen to their tedious blathering, and you’ll have more fun whenever you call back and they forget why they called you – which is probably why they left you a message! Besides, it’s pretty presumptuous of them to expect you to remember how to talk on the phone, anyway.
Forget To Turn Off Your Away Message!
Most of the work we do is pretty ordinary. Crazy surprises rarely happen. That’s why I always love it when I send someone an email on July 9th and get an automated response saying, “I’m sorry, but I’ll be out of the office starting on July 3 for the holiday weekend. I’ll return at 9am on July 7th and will respond to your email as soon as I return.” Now I’m intrigued. Did they disappear? Did they get abducted or promoted or decide to join a cult? I can’t wait to find out!!!!
I hope that helps. And if you want to catapult yourself up a few levels, do any of the things I just recommended while wearing a neon green bikini (especially the elevator one). I’m pretty sure that image has been burned into my brain like the afterglow of a nuclear explosion. Ooh, or maybe an American flag bikini in time for the holiday. So many bikini options for you to employ in completely inappropriate situations – have fun!