April 3rd, 2013
Did you know that April is Stress Awareness Month? I didn’t. Personally I think it’s hilarious that they would even bother to have a ‘Stress Awareness’ month. Is there anyone alive who isn’t aware of stress? Is it possible that some perpetually happy and carefree people are floating merrily through life without even the knowledge of what stress is, and indeed if you were to say to them “I’m stressed” they would reply with “What is this stress of which you speak?” Oh, and Stress Awareness Month just so happens to be RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF TAX SEASON! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, IS THERE A PERSON ALIVE WHO DOESN’T GET STRESSED DURING TAX SEASON?!?!?!?!?!?
However, in the spirit of Stress Awareness Month (founded in 1992, when stress was invented), I would like to share a few simple ways to help you add some stress to your life. I know that personally I love it when I’m so wound up I can’t sleep, and I’d like you to have to same nervous-tic-inducing life that I’ve managed to find for myself. So if you’d like to ruin whatever tranquility you’ve managed to find in the MIDDLE OF TAX SEASON, then keep reading!
April 2nd, 2013
Well, I’ve been saying it for years, and now it’s finally official – moist is the most disgusting word in English. Those of you who know me know that I have waged an on-stage vendetta against the word moist for years now, and it’s good to know I’m not alone. Check out these awesome statistics from a recently-published Slate article:
“In a survey of 75 Mississippi State University students from 2009, moist placed second only to vomit as the ugliest word in the English language. In a 2011 follow-up survey of 125 students, moist pulled into the ugly-word lead—vanquishing a greatest hits of gross that included phlegm, ooze, mucus, puke, scab, and pus. Meanwhile, there are 7,903 people on Facebook who like the “interest” known as “I Hate the Word Moist.” (More than 5,000 other Facebook users give the thumbs up to three different moist-hatred Facebook pages.)”
But the world needs balance. So today, I’m going to share with you a few words that are almost guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. If you start to feel angry or otherwise dissatisfied at any point in the next 825 years, simply say one of the following words and sweet, glorious, succulent happiness will be yours. Enjoy!
April 1st, 2013
The graduation season is approaching. Right now, millions of college seniors are preparing themselves for the biggest life transition since the day they arrived in college. And a couple months from now, industries all across the nation will be filled with people who only three months ago spent an entire week drunk on the beach. The fact that America has survived this yearly ritual for as long as it has is a testament to our nation’s resilience.
Anyway, I know a lot of college kids out there are probably freaking out about what their future holds. But you don’t have to worry. There are still plenty of ways you can prolong the college experience. Work is super hard, and your parents probably haven’t converted your old bedroom into a workout gym just yet. There’s still time for you to move back home! And here’s how you can help make sure that happens.
March 25th, 2013
By now everyone on the planet has officially shared their opinion about the issue of work-life balance. It is almost the only thing it has been possible to read about in the last month – thanks, Marissa Mayer! – especially if the article in any way mentions women. Everybody seems to be trying to find a work-life solution that will afford them happiness.
But happiness is hard, and how exactly would you define ‘happiness’? Aristotle wrote a whole book on the subject, and I barely understand a word of it. But I’ve also heard that misery loves company, and I definitely understand that. So allow me to share with you a few thoughts on work-life balance that should help you become the bitter, inconsolable shell of a person I really want you to be.
March 20th, 2013
In honor of my favorite conference of the year*, the Contact Center Conference, I’ve put together my favorite blog posts with customer service tips and tricks.
*Unless you have a conference you want to hire me for, then that one’s my favorite.
The Customer is Always Annoying - Here’s an advanced customer service technique I learned from my credit card company. Have an automated message telling people to call back later, even if the wait will only be a few minutes. This should make all of those pesky customers go away!
Horrible Customer Service 101: The Automated Menu – “Awesome! I love automated menus! ” Said no one ever.
March 18th, 2013
No idea what to write today. My brain is like a blank canvas – not the kind that you paint a masterpiece on, but the kind that you shove in a closet somewhere because someone who doesn’t know you very well bought you a canvas once despite the fact that you hate painting and never want to do it. I don’t think I’m going to have a useful thought all day today.
And to help you stifle your own creativity and become as useless and gelatinous as I am, here are a few things for you to consider:
March 11th, 2013
Hello! This morning I am going to be speaking to about 600 people at the Restaurant Facility Management Association, and everything is going to go great. Which is usually the case. I deliver somewhere between 50 and 80 keynote addresses every year, and most of them go off without a hitch.
But as most professional meeting planners know, successful events are boring events. Seriously, who wants to go to a wedding where everything happens the way it’s supposed to? Those aren’t the ones you remember, are they? Of course not! You remember the weddings where the dress caught on fire and the groom had to be bailed out of jail in time to make it to the ceremony. They make movies about that kind of thing.
So if you want them to someday make a movie about your next conference, awards banquet, corporate retreat, or teambuilding super-session, here are a few things for you to keep in mind.
March 4th, 2013
As of today, I now have a framed certificate on my wall proclaiming me the Most Ethical Person Alive. I got it while filming some videos about corporate ethics with a company in Dallas, and it’s impossible for me to overstate to you how hilarious it is that I now have this thing. If they only knew some of the things I did in college, they probably wouldn’t have given it to me.
But that’s beside the point. Sometimes we get desperate, and college people are notorious for being willing to do pretty much anything for a $20 dare. The point is, I’ve just spent several weeks of my life researching and then writing videos about how to conduct yourself in an ethical, upstanding, and otherwise moral way.
Which means that I’m now going to tell you several ways that you can screw it all up. Enjoy!
February 25th, 2013
I captured this rare photo of Canadians in their traditional garb.
Canada. Oh, how I want to love you! I was in Toronto last week at Humber College, uncrapifying the crap out of them for their 25th annual all-staff professional development week. And seriously, Canada, you’ve conducted the world’s most effective PR campaign ever. You’re the second-largest country on the planet, and absolutely nobody hates you. I know I’m not alone when I say that nobody on this Earth has ever heard anyone say, “I can’t wait to teach those smug, condescending, jerky Canadians a lesson.” You have a responsible banking system, a relatively smooth governmental apparatus, a low crime rate, and gorgeous natural wonders. The people I worked for were delightful, and Toronto is a world-class city. What’s not to love?
Their customs department, it turns out. I had a hilariously bad time getting through customs on my way back to the United States – and in honor of the things I witnessed during that hour of my life, I give you several ways for you to demoralize your friends, colleagues, employees, and random strangers.
February 18th, 2013
Decisions. Our life is full of them, and that’s why our lives are often very annoying. I don’t remember ever agreeing to become an adult, do you? I never asked for this. I was perfectly happy as a child, being force-fed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because that was the easiest thing for my mom to make. And I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself, you’d love to go back to those days as well. Life should never have gotten more complicated than having to decide whether to play inside or outside.
But I know that right now you’re faced with any number of difficult decisions you have to make. Right now I’m writing this in my pajamas, because there are simply too many clothes in my closet and I don’t know which ones to wear. I don’t even know what I’d do with myself if someone gave me another set of pajamas…