AboutSome holiday greetings!
Merry Christmas!
December 29th, 2011What Would I Do For 1 Million Dollars?
December 21st, 2011Probably not this, but it’s an interesting idea. I’m sure the money will be waiting for him when he gets out of jail.
The Tyrant’s New Year’s Resolutions!
December 19th, 2011Hello, eager readers, and happy merry holidaytime. In honor of the upcoming new year, many of us will make resolutions to lose weight and go to the gym and spend more time with our families and all kinds of other crap that we won’t actually bother with. So I’ve come up with a collection of New Year’s resolutions that any aspiring tyrant can rally behind.
Repeat after me. Do this out loud, please, and in company.
I resolve to give myself a larger bonus next year, which I will fund by getting rid of my company’s 401K matching policy.
I resolve to drink the last cup of breakroom coffee at 9:14am and not brew another pot because I know I won’t need another cup.
I resolve not to answer my cell phone unless the person calling outranks me.
I resolve to be at least 15 minutes late to every meeting that I schedule, and to leave 15 minutes early from every meeting that I’m forced to attend.
I resolve to ISSUE ORDERS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS SO THAT PEOPLE APPRECIATE HOW IMPORTANT MY REQUESTS ARE!
I resolve to tell everyone how amazing my latest vacation was, and to showcase pictures of all of my new purchases.
And last, at least for today, I resolve to pay less attention to my personal hygiene and stand closer to people while talking to them. It’s a new year. I deserve this.
Happy merry holidaytime, everyone!
Are Your Employees Unhappy Enough? Because They Could Always Be Unhappier.
December 5th, 2011Woo-hoo!
First off, all articles should start that way. “Woo-hoo!” is a much better greeting than “Hello.” But in this case, my enthusiasm is well-earned. Because I just read an article that gave me a few awesome ideas. It turns out that a 2009 employee survey conducted by the Society for Human Resource Managers found that the top five factors that most closely correlate to employee satisfaction are: job security, benefits (especially health care), compensation, opportunities to use skills and abilities, and feeling safe in the work environment. Finally, I’ve got some concrete evidence!
So, are you ready to oppress those parasites who sit next to you every day? Then here we go!
Constantly tell your employees that you have no idea what the future holds! This has the benefit of being a technically true statement, since nobody knows what the future holds. But there’s a huge difference between saying, “No matter what happens, your job is safe here” and “I wouldn’t get too comfortable until we get the quarterly earnings back next month.” Don’t do that first one, idiot! Option 2 all the way!
Systematically eliminate benefits! I’m guessing you’re already working on this one. Way to go!
Squeeze your employees into areas outside of their expertise! This will help them learn valuable new skills. But more importantly, it will ensure that they slowly but inevitably forget why they took this job in the first place. “I’m a marketing and design guy; do I really want to be pigeonholed in customer service forever?” (Hint: the answer is ‘only until I find a better job’.)
Place caltrops and other death traps around the workplace! OK, so you’re probably not going to do this one. Most people don’t know what a caltrop is, and I have no idea where you can buy them. But you could at least postpone maintenance on your factory long enough that ceiling tiles occasionally crash to the ground with no provocation. “How long do fire extinguishers work? This one was put here in 1974. Well I guess we’ll find out whenever there’s a fire to try it on!”
I’m so excited that this article is coming to you just in time for the holidays. Because if there’s a better Christmas present than the sight of an entire office full of dejected and miserable employees, I don’t know what it is. Have fun!
A Christmas Present for all the Managers Out There
December 1st, 2011Hey all! Today’s article is going to be short, but it’s also going to be amazing. Why? Because I’ve found a piece of empirical information that should warm the hearts of all the managers out there in Managerland. Are you ready? Here we go.
One study of healthcare workers found that when employees were working for a boss they disliked, they had significantly higher blood pressure. Boss-induced hypertension could increase the risk of coronary heart disease by one-sixth and stroke by one-third. And employees who work for bad bosses for four years or more are 64% more likely to experience a serious heart problem than employees who work for good bosses.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.
…(a moment passes)…
IS THAT FREAKING AMAZING OR WHAT?!?!?!?!? Your managerial practices can actually hasten the death of your employees! I’ll bet you never knew what truly awesome power you wielded.
In case you didn’t already know, the three most significant influences on an employee’s happiness are: relationship to immediate superiors; relationship to coworkers; and the length and ease of the commute to work. You are in charge of one-third of that happiness.
So the next time you see your employees, remember this. You can treat them well and receive their loyalty and increased productivity as a result of your efforts. Or you can send them to an early grave. The choice is yours.
But I’m hoping you’ll pick the ‘early grave’ option.
Profile in Tyranny: The Guy Who Wouldn’t Hold the Door
November 21st, 2011It’s about time for another one of these, wouldn’t you say? Given that I haven’t posted a Profile in Tyranny for a while, you might think that I’ve managed to go a few weeks without running into somebody I’d like to hit over the head. And you’re correct. It’s been a good November.
Until today.
Before we begin, though, it’s important to point out that your tyranny can be large or small. The word tyranny generally implies an awesome and all-encompassing strategy of systematic oppression, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can tyrannize in small, everyday kinds of ways. Like my tyrant today did.
This morning I spent an hour or so taking care of a shipment of books that has come to my office. Each of the boxes is around 45 pounds, and there are a million of them. The actual number is around 90, but after you’ve lugged 70 45-pound boxes up and down a flight of stairs, it starts to feel like a million.
Anyway, in order for me to take my books from where they are to where they need to be, I have to open a door that swings towards me, which involves one of three things:
1) Me balancing a box on one hand while I open the door with the other (which I can do, by the way, because I am enormously muscular and will soon make my big break on the World’s Strongest Man competition alongside my tire-throwing mentor Bill Kazmaier, one of the luminaries in the rarefied world of lifting ridiculously heavy things and putting them right back down).
2) Trying to balance the box on one raised knee while I stab wildly at the door with my briefly free hand. For a split second, this approach makes me look like The Heisman Trophy, until the box slips out of my hands and blocks the door I’m trying to open, which means I end up having to push it out of the way, open the door, and then pick it up again.
3) Opening the door with my elbow, which is not only fun to do but adorable to watch.
Option 1 got used up after the 35th trip, and option 2 made me want to set all my boxes of books on fire after about the 50th trip. Which means that for the last 40, I’ve been stuck with option 3. I look like a penguin trying to fly, flapping my useless vestigial winglets in a hopeless attempt to gain some altitude. Except I’m just a one-winged penguin, which is doubly stupid.
By now you’ve got to be wondering: where’s the tyrant in all this?
I’ll tell you where he is. He’s standing right beside the door between trips 55 and 62, watching me open the door with my elbow and making absolutely no move to help me. He has arms, and legs, and he wasn’t on his phone. He was just watching. We made eye contact. More than once.
Look, you don’t always have to let me merge in traffic, because sometimes I’m being a jerk and driving as far as possible down the upcoming construction lane just so I don’t have to wait my fair share of the time. And you don’t always have to say ‘Hi!’ back when I say hello to you, because sometimes you’re busy or distracted or just didn’t hear me. But when you stare directly into my eyes while I’m holding a 45-pound box and don’t shuffle two feet to your left to save me the trouble of opening the door with my elbow, that’s when I mentally cross you off of my Christmas list.
And don’t even get me started on people who don’t hold the elevator.
Fun Ways to Make Your Vendors HATE You!
November 14th, 2011Good morning, everyone! I know you’re not all reading this in the morning, but I’m writing it in the morning, and so I’m saying…wait a second. Hold on, no I’m not writing it in the morning. I planned to write it this morning, but it’s actually 1:30pm. How did that happen? Where did the morning go?
Oh yeah. I know where my morning went. It was wasted in another installment of a weeks-long process of trying to make somebody pay me who’s owed me money for over a month now. I guess my blinding rage caused me to black out for a few hours.
Anyway, in honor of their unbelievably infuriating stall tactics, I thought I’d give you a step-by-step process to ensure that your vendors want to do as little business with you as possible.
Step One: Have a pay-by date in your contracts that you consistently fail to meet! Most contracted services are structured such that payment occurs after the service has been rendered – 5 days, 7 days, 30 days, whatever. You probably have something like this in your contracts. But to borrow a line from Pirates of the Carribean, that date is really more of a guideline than a rule. It’s kind of like the speed limit. Yeah, you’re supposed go 65, but nobody listens to that. And there’s no reason you should honor the pay-by date on your contracts, either. Just because your service provider provided you the services on the date requested is no reason for you to, you know, pay them on time.
When your vendors first call to follow up on payment, promise that their check will be sent tomorrow! Sounds reasonable, right? Which is why you must fail to send their check. Otherwise the problem will be solved. And who wants that?
When your vendors call again (and again and again), just don’t respond! Nothing pleases those of us who are owed money quite like not getting a response of any kind from the people who owe us. Are you on vacation? Are you going out of business? Are you ever going to call me back? Who knows! It’s a fun mystery for all of us!
Get in the habit of paying people ONLY when they start to make threats! This cripplingly stupid approach punishes your reasonable customers and rewards your difficult ones. And you know what? Eventually your reasonable customers will catch on that they won’t get what they’re owed until they start yelling at you. So get ready for a fun barrage on your voicemail!
So there you go. I think there are a couple steps in there that I’ve forgotten, but to be honest I can’t remember. I think I got so angry that some of my brain melted.
Why Change? Everything is Exactly the Same!
November 7th, 2011Geoffrey Havens-smith here, and top of the morning to you. It has come to my attention that many of you have been deluded into the belief that the times are changing. I’ve heard murmurs – whisperings about town, at the saloon and such – that things today are a mite different than they used to be. Well, I am here to assure you that no such abomination has taken place. The United States of America is the same as it has always been – 36 states all told, just like it was when my grandpappy was born. So I see no reason for you to even be considering the pernicious idea of changing how you operate your business.
Case in point, my fine reader: the piece you’re reading is part of a weekly series, published just down the street in one of Benjamin Franklin’s marvelous presses. Our relations with the British and French are on an even keel as always, if you can ignore that strange anomaly back around ’76. Your customers are the same petticoat-wearing ladies and rough-and-tumble cowboys that mine are, and they require the same accoutrements that men and women in every age have always required: bit, bridle, spurs, china, linens, lumber, and the occasional pair of spectacles or bolt of fine lace. We’re all watching the weather to see what kind of crop to expect come fall, and we’re all a concerned about smallpox.
So relax, fine friends. Things are as they’ve always been. No reason to worry yourself over anything, and certainly no reason to even consider changing how you’ve always gone about your business.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to head into town for some medicine, and by medicine I mean whiskey. Granny’s got the whooping cough something awful, and the pigs are showing signs of the flux. I should be back to the farm by nightfall, as long as my horse doesn’t throw a shoe. She’s apt to at times.
How to Become an Insufferable Salesman!
November 1st, 2011I know, I know – you’re wondering about the word ‘become’ in the title. You’re thinking, “People don’t become insufferable salespeople. Salespeople are inherently insufferable.” But that isn’t true. Truly awful salespeople are made, not born. And I’m about to teach you how to make yourself into the kind of salesperson that will make customers actually walk past your establishment instead of going in to get something they already know they want.
And before you ask – yes, every single one of these has been done to me. All of them. A lot. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome to the New JeffHavens.com
October 24th, 2011We hope you are liking the new look of the site. We put it together to provide a wider variety of video and showcase Jeff’s new presentations and new book, Unleash Your Inner Tyrant! Please feel free to send your comments on the site and let us know if there is anything you’d like us to improve. Make sure you sign up for Jeff’s FREE email subscriptions on the right side of this page so you can keep up to date with Jeff’s writing and get notified when we post new videos. In the meantime, here is a 5-minute recap from a recent presentation covered by a local news channel:
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