Hello again.

Today I’d like to share with you the four cardinal rules for conducting a bad meeting. This is an art form, ladies and gentlmen, one I do not bring to you lightly. If used correctly, these techniques can wither and ultimately dissolve any remaining work ethic and team identity your subordinates possess. With enough polish these rules will become an integral part of your work life, a glittering gem in the crown you display so proudly on your incompetent head.

So without further ado:

• Start late.
• Have no clear agenda.
• Finish late.
• Save your most important items for last when everybody else has already checked out and is playing with their phones.

Simple, elegant – much like the stroke of a master swordsman. And I know you’re just itching to swing blindly, aren’t you. But perhaps you’re still uncertain how to begin? No worries. Below is the actual transcript of a recorded meeting in which all four are used to dramatic effect:

I’m sorry I’m late. Traffic was just…whew! I just could not seem to get it together this morning. I am well aware that I’ve kept you waiting for… fifty-three minutes, and for that I sincerely apologize. I appreciate you waiting patiently. That shows dedication. Have a seat.

So today’s meeting has to…do…with….where did I put the briefing? Did you get the ones I printed out before I left yesterday? I thought I left them all on your desks. Please go back to your desks and check. I am sure I distributed them to you yesterday.

Not there? Oh, here they are. I had them. They were in my briefcase all along. Here- pass these out. Okay! Have a seat. No, wait. Everyone stand up and stretch! That’s it, yes. You all look tense. Side to side. Now forwards….and….backwards. Now I think we’re ready to begin.

Where is the cord for the projector? I know I brought it. I have a power-point. We will need to view the slides for this presentation. They are crucial for the understanding of the material.

Ah, here it is. It just…it goes into the side of the…the port, here? Like this? That is right, right? Okay. Give me a moment to boot up the laptop.

Alright! Okay…that’s my screensaver. Have any of you ever been to Bermuda? No? It’s great. You definitely should go, if you ever get the opportunity. That’s not the file. That’s not it. That’s not it. That’s not it. That’s definitely not it. No one saw that file, did they? Say no, or you’re fired. Ha ha.

Okay, here’s the power-point presentation! Let me…just….it’s loading. Okay it stopped. Does anyone know how this works? It…it just stopped. I don’t know. I…you…you got it? Okay. Great! Let’s begin.

We’ve got sixty-four slides to breeze through, I’m sure we can…oh, okay, our meeting time is nearly up, people. We’ll just tackle a couple and if we run over, we run over. Actually, in the interest of time, let’s just skip to pages four and seven. Let me get through to the right slides…no, no, no,no,no….no. Okay. This will have to do.

We’re running over on time. I am going to ask everyone to just review the information in the briefing at your desks on your breaks. It’s important information, people! Thanks for coming. Please make sure you take any trash out of the meeting room when you leave. Good job! Thanks.

My god, didn’t that just soften your brain matter? Sheer unadulterated brilliance! And you can do that, too! Never let another meeting go to waste. Make every single meeting feel like a kick in the teeth. I know you are capable of greatness. Prove it to me.

Interesting tidbit for your enjoyment:

In his book Why Marriages Succeed and Why Marriages Fail, John Gottman analyzed the ratio of positive and negative interaction with hundreds of couples, and determined the healthiest relationships had a 5:1 ratio. That’s five positive comments to every negative one. Let’s demonstrate this for those of you who are visually oriented:

1. I love you.
2. You are so wonderful.
3. Thank you for cooking dinner.
4. You make me smile.
5. You’ve never looked more beautiful.
6. I am really tired of having to tell you to put your socks in the hamper. Seriously. It’s like you don’t listen sometimes. Do you even listen to me when I talk?

That is the bedrock of a long and healthy relationship, people. Gaze longingly at the socks on the floor. Conversely, Mr. Gottman also determined that couples with a ratio of positive/negative feedback of 1:1 were more than likely doomed to fail (and often did). Again, let me conceptualize:

1. I love you.
2. I wish we had never met.

Get the idea? So how does this relate to your work experience? The simple fact is that these same ratios apply when dealing with praise and criticism in the workplace and can be used as an excellent measuring stick for your ‘marriage’ with your new employer.

“Marriage with my employer,” you scoff (or sneer, depending on your preference), “what kind of creepy associations are you making? Could you possibly be serious?”

Yes. Yes I am.

Think about it, Sneery McScoffington – You spend more time during your life in your place of employment than almost anywhere else. Not in the car, not asleep, not even if you sleep in your car. Your boss, your coworkers…you see them more than your spouse. More than your kids. Is this factual? In many cases, yes. Am I deliberately trying to depress you? Perhaps. So you might want to start looking at your commitment to work the same way you look at your commitment to your significant other.

Listen to the praise you receive, and to the criticism. Take count. What’s your daily ratio? How about your weekly ratio? Are you in a healthy ‘marriage’ in your current employment situation, one of those blissfully sickening types of unions that make the rest of us alternately disgusted and envious? Or are you in a ‘marriage’ similar to any one of the several I have been through?

Food for thought, certainly. Now, go tell your coworkers how much you love them – or how much you wish you’d never met. Whichever feels right.

Hi All,

Just wanted to let you know that I will be promoting my latest book and college lecture How to get Fired!: The New Employees Guide to Perpetual Unemployment on WMBD 31- Peoria on February 24th.

It’s a two-and-a-half minute interview, but I neglected to ask which two-and-a-half minutes out of the one thousand four hundred forty minutes of the day they actually are. So I recommend you watch that channel non-stop, all day long. If you are truly as industrious as I know you are, you’re already fashioning a makeshift bathroom out of an old couch cushion and hoarding food in that elastic pocket on the side of your reclining easy chair so you won’t miss it. I have faith in you.

Hint: 6:20a.m.-ish.